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Narcissists exist in all different forms. We’re all familiar with the stereotype of a classic narcissist. Like Cinderella’s stepmother, we tend to think of a narcissist as someone cold, calculating, and deliberately vengeful. As a coach, it helps to have a deeper understanding so we can serve our clients with this issue.
Narcissists wear many disguises.
Though they can come packaged like a wicked stepmother, chances are you know one who is disguised as a giver or who has a strong victim story that breeds genuine empathy in people. In fact, it can be this empathy that is feeding their narcissistic supply.
In order to understand the most effective way to recognize and deal with a narcissist, or to help your coaching client, it helps to have a broader understanding of who they are and why they do what they do.
The main goal of a narcissist is to replenish and maintain their narcissistic supply.
They do this by seeking two things.
Attention and control.
These are the main fuel lines that feed a narcissistic supply.
Oftentimes, it’s true that a narcissist has gone through a significant traumatic event, such as childhood abuse, or trauma that has caused an alternate personality that devours and eclipses their core personality. They formed an alter ego out of a need to survive. I think if it like a parasite that takes over.
Let’s highlight some of the typical characteristics of a narcissist.
- They have a high sense of grandiosity, and low empathy.
- They are low insight, meaning they rarely seek growth and understanding from challenges.
- They often can only filter conversation and events in how it pertains to them It’s almost like they have a filter or special lens that tabulates any input on how it could affect them or benefit them.
- They are masterful at passive-aggressive shade. This is best recognized by the feeling of confusion about being violated. Was I? Did she really mean that? Yes. Though it is second nature to her so she usually isn’t even cognizant that she is doing it.
- They are easily offended, hurt, or angered. These feelings are often disguised by disappointment. Disappointment occurs when there is a specific expectation. A narcissist relies on others to fulfill their expectations, since they take no responsibility for their own actions it stands to reason that disappointment is the dominant feeling for a narcissist.
Common advice for coping with a narcissist says to run away as fast as you can. But what if the narcissist you know is a family member, co-worker or any other person in which simply cutting ties isn’t always possible. What then?
It’s not always possible to cut a narcissist out of your life.
My hope is to be able to give you some insight on how you can help yourself or your coaching client to handle a narcissist, while self-protecting at the same time.
- Limit exposure. It’s not always possible to get away from a narcissist completely. Carefree encounters are highly unrealistic and loose time boundaries are the kryptonite for a narcissist.
- Draw your boundaries in indelible marker. Unfortunately, the onus is on you to recognize and maintain your boundaries with vigilance. Narcissists live to transgress, in fact, they can’t help it. So prepare with the expectation that you must be the shepherd of your boundaries.
- Compassion (from a distance.) It’s my experience that most narcissists are victims of childhood circumstances. They deserve our compassion, but not at the expense of our wellbeing.
- Don’t have any expectations for change. A narcissist will never change. They will never love you the way you think you need them to. Accept them completely for who they are. You don’t have to like it. You do have to acknowledge that you are the only person in the frame that has the potential to address and alter your own reactions. It sucks, but that’s the way it is.
- Allow yourself time to process after exposure. Does it sound like I’m being a little overly sensitive? Maybe I am for someone who hasn’t had a lifetime of having to navigate around the needs of a narcissist. So as an expert on how to manage my self-care needs (which are always in conflict with the needs of a narcissist.) Believe me when I tell you that the best thing you can do for yourself is to plan on immediately processing the feelings that come up after the fact.
Sometimes you simply can’t eliminate people from your life. I hope these coping strategies help you navigate the murky, confusing territory you might find yourself in while in a relationship with a narcissist.
