Oh advice.

I’ve given it, gotten it and quite frankly it can really mess you up. Especially if it is from someone well intended or that you care about.

Most of the time advice is a fail because people usually don’t want it or need it.

People don’t want advice. What they really want is for someone to listen to them and to validate their feelings.

We all want someone who understands us to hear us and give us support.  But when the person who cares about us goes into “fix it” mode one of two things usually happens:

1. We resent it, resist it and ignore it because we feel invalidated.

2. We blow them off and do what we want anyway.

But hang on, some advice is good. Even bad advice.

I recently had some terrible advice, that I ASKED for BTW, and I knew it felt wrong even though the person who gave it knew what he was doing. Because he is successful I thought his advice was a sure thing. Like he knew better about my business than me.

He didn’t. How could he? He hasn’t been there from the beginning making all the mistakes, going through the process of building my thing. He was coming in as an outsider trying to give advice without knowing the full picture.

Seeking advice like that can be dangerous unless you consider it carefully. But it could be the exact missing piece that assures you, “Yep, my gut was right all along.”

I have to remind myself sometimes how to gracefully engage in the exchange of ideas without assuming someone else knows more than me, or that I know what is best for them.

I catch myself all the time telling people what to do instead of listening and being supportive.

People feel the need to give advice because they genuinely care and want to be helpful. It’s up to you to interpret, and take the mindful action that is most right for you.

Because I am obviously imperfect, I created my Advice Givers and Getters 10 Commandments to remind myself

Enjoy!

The Advice Givers/ Receivers 10 Commandments:

1. Thou shalt not give unsolicited advice. Ever.

2. Thou shalt not assume someone knows more about you than you.

3. Thou shalt listen to advice with an open curious heart, trusting your gut, but using your head.

4. Thou shalt never take advice from someone who isn’t in the arena, is a terrible listener, or doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

5. Thou shalt worry about thine own self first before expositing advice on others.

6. Thou shalt omit douchey phrases like, “I told you.., “ or “If I were you.., “ or “You should..” from your connection vocabulary.

7. Thou shalt give loving, affirming support instead of advice.

8. Thou shalt ask advice seekers open ended questions about their plight. You may learn something!

9. Thou shalt be open hearted, helpful, forthcoming with what you know. You do have a gift to share after all.

10. Thou shalt operate from a transformational perspective vs a transactional perspective. (One inspires and changes lives, the other colors in the lines. Read this if you want to know more. It’s kind of buzzy and all the rage.)

What are some ways you seek advice, and find yourself giving advice? I’d like to know!