Official Mouser, Unofficial Innkeeper & Feline Person of Interest
NAME: Chutney
OCCUPATION: Official mouser, lobby supervisor, guest inspector
RESIDENCE: The Cozy Inn
KNOWN ASSOCIATES: Emmaline Picardy and anyone carrying roast chicken
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Fluffy, opinionated, chronically under-impressed
THREAT LEVEL: Depends entirely on whether you’ve taken his chair
CASE STATUS: Under observation 🔎🐾
Every respectable inn needs a resident cat. At least, that is what innkeeper Emmaline Picardy tells her guests when they check in at the Cozy Inn.
The truth is that the Cozy Inn did not acquire Chutney so much as Chutney acquired the Cozy Inn.
And his story began, as all respectable origin stories do, in a dumpster.
🗑️ Exhibit A: The Dumpster Incident
Emmaline heard him before she saw him on a routine excursion to the ally dumpster to deposit the morning trash. When she tossed the bag into the trash, something inside began meowing with the fury of a thousand suns, so naturally, she investigated.
Inside was a tiny, bedraggled kitten.
Despite his fetid appearance—matted fur, soiled and flea ridden, he did not appear frightened but absolutely livid from the amount of hissing emanating from his spicy pie hole. Emmaline took one look at him, and tsked. Chutney took one look at Emmaline.
And some sort of agreement was reached.
She crawled into the dumpster in a most unladylike fashion and scooped up this pissed off ball of orange fur. After inspecting the area for potential siblings or a concerned mama kitty, she quickly sermised that none were afoot, so she brought him back to the Cozy Inn, fed him (tuna bits and scrambled egg. It would do until she got her hands on some proper kibble), cleaned him up in the kitchen sink (dish soap nuked all the fleas. Shhhh don’t tell Agnes or she’d have her head on a shining platter), and fussed over him properly curled up in the plush chair in her office. She assured him that everything was going to be all right.
Chutney apparently interpreted this to mean:
The property is mine. You may stay.
He has been running the place ever since.
🛎️ His Position at the Cozy Inn
Officially, Chutney is the Inn’s mouser.
This is largely ceremonial.
His actual responsibilities are considerably more extensive.
He supervises guest arrivals. He patrols hallways. He inspects unattended luggage. He sits on piles paperwork (his favorite!). He attends conversations to which he was not invited. He monitors housekeeping from a safe distance and conducts regular quality-control inspections of the kitchen. Most importantly, Chutney has appointed himself Chief Judge of Character.
Emmaline believes he has an uncanny ability to tell whether someone is trustworthy. There is absolutely no evidence supporting this. Emmaline considers that irrelevant. If Chutney likes a guest, she takes note. If Chutney avoids a guest, she takes note.
And if Chutney sits ten feet away from someone and stares at them without blinking?
Well.
Emmaline might have a few questions.
🕰️ A Typical Day in the Life of Chutney
6:03 a.m. — Morning patrol.
Chutney conducts a perimeter inspection of the Inn, looking for mice, intruders and doors that have inexplicably been closed. Honestly, the nerve.
7:15 a.m. — Breakfast.
The most important appointment of the day. Delays are documented. If too many delays incur, dead mouse or fledgling deposits are made at the back door. On the mat.
8:00 a.m. — Guest inspection.
Chutney positions himself somewhere inconvenient while guests come downstairs for breakfast. Suitcases are sniffed with medium judgement. Shoes are examined. Character assessments are made.
9:30 a.m. — Front desk duty.
Emmaline answers the telephone. Chutney sits on something she needs.
10:17 a.m. — First nap.
Investigative work is exhausting.
12:30 p.m. — Kitchen reconnaissance.
Chutney verifies that lunch preparation complies with Inn standards.
It frequently does not.
Samples may be required.
2:00 p.m. — Second nap.
3:46 p.m. — Mysterious disappearance.
Nobody knows where Chutney is.
4:12 p.m. — Mysterious reappearance.
Nobody knows where Chutney has been.
He refuses to discuss it.
5:30 p.m. — Cocktail-hour surveillance.
An excellent time to overhear things.
7:00 p.m. — Dinner inspection.
8:15 p.m. — Lobby occupation.
Chutney assumes his customary position and permits the guests to enjoy his company.
10:00 p.m. — Final patrol.
11:00 p.m. — Retires to Emmaline’s quarters.
Preferably somewhere Emmaline was planning to sit.
Repeat indefinitely.
🔎 Chutney and the Curious Business of Murder
Chutney isn’t a magical cat. He doesn’t talk. He doesn’t solve crimes. And Emmaline cannot ask him who murdered the unfortunate person currently inconveniencing everyone at the Inn. But Chutney notices many things.
It should be noted that cats, according to Chutney have very little respect for privacy, which makes them surprisingly useful for solving crimes. And every once in a while, Chutney will be sitting somewhere he absolutely should not be, beside something Emmaline absolutely needs to see. Whether he understands that he’s helping is another matter entirely. Emmaline thinks he does. Understand, that is. How could he not? And it should also be noted that many activities simply happen because, well…orange.
🐾 Personality Report
Chutney is not a universally friendly cat.
This is important.
He chooses people. He will decide if you are of the high moral character necessary for engagement. If it’s a no, it’s a no forever.
Once he has chosen you, however, the matter is settled.
He is affectionate without being needy, loyal without being obedient and brave provided the vacuum cleaner is nowhere nearby.
He dislikes closed doors on philosophical grounds.
He considers paperwork an invitation to sit down.
He has never encountered a freshly made bed he couldn’t improve.
He is particularly fond of being exactly where everyone is attempting to work.
And Chutney possesses the remarkable feline ability to behave as though every event occurring around him has happened primarily for his benefit.
Fresh flowers arrive?
For Chutney.
A fire is lit?
Chutney’s fire.
A guest checks into the best room?
Chutney has graciously loaned it to them.
A murder occurs?
Inconvenient.
People will be walking through the lobby all day.
❤️ The One Person Who Belongs to Him
For all his imperious ways, however, Chutney’s relationship with Emmaline is different. She was there when he was small and filthy and furious at the world. She fed him when he was hungry. She gave him somewhere warm to sleep. She made him safe.
And so, while Chutney may consider himself proprietor of the Cozy Inn, there is one thing he takes even more seriously than his property.
Emmaline.
He follows her when she’s upset. He appears when she’s been alone too long. He sleeps nearby while she works. And when an investigation becomes dangerous—as investigations around the Cozy Inn have an unfortunate tendency to do—Chutney has opinions about that too.
Usually expressed loudly. Meowingly.
Because Emmaline may have rescued Chutney from a dumpster. But as far as Chutney is concerned, he’s been looking after her ever since.
📎 Investigator’s Notes
LIKES: Warm laundry, interesting guests, unattended food, Emmaline, gossip
DISLIKES: Vacuum cleaners, closed doors, being moved, insufficient breakfast
SPECIAL SKILL: Appearing precisely when something interesting is happening
KNOWN WEAKNESS: A sunny patch on the carpet
ALIBI: Asleep
CAN IT BE VERIFIED? Absolutely not.
SUSPICION LEVEL: 🐾🐾🐾
LIKELIHOOD OF SOLVING A MURDER: Low
LIKELIHOOD OF ACCIDENTALLY DISCOVERING IMPORTANT EVIDENCE: Alarmingly high
CURRENT STATUS: Running the Inn.
CASE REMAINS OPEN. 📁🔎🐈
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