Well, it’s that time again. Our country’s electoral process is a unique character builder for us all. We find out things about each other that we never knew, especially where core beliefs are concerned. And we don’t always like what we see because it can shatter and damage the images we hold of close friends and family. I would even dare to say sometimes irrevocably.

Often times we are left disillusioned when people we care about hold vastly different opinions from our own.

But before you dismiss them as a pack of crazy idiots, I want to offer a few tips for coping using simple mindfulness techniques.

Because lets face it, we are all cray in our own way. And you can hold your own beliefs without getting tangled up the me vs. them mentality.

 

Here are 9 ways to cope with moral disagreements among friends:

1. Become the witness.

I don’t mean this in an “adopt a self-righteous stance until they are done speaking” way, I mean witness what is happening in your body while engaged in the discussion. Observe your heart rate, your breath getting shorter, and your tendency to want to recoil. Notice.

2. Investigate areas of commonality and compassion.

We are all human. We all struggle with body stuff, confidence, finances, juggling children and schedules, but the real leveler is the fact that one day we are all going to die. I don’t mean this in the catastrophic sense, but in the realistic sense.  We are all headed toward the Rainbow Bridge and equally terrified. That fact alone links us. To me this makes compassion a bit easier.

3. Differentiate.

You are not your friend. You can have your beliefs, and allow them to have theirs. Can you focus on connection over contrast? Even for a moment?

4. Notice when you go unconscious.

In other words, have you flipped into reactive mode? Can you get back to control of your own breath? Some hints that you may be in reactive mode: Interrupting, over talking, raised voice, defending your position, judging, black and white thinking, etc.

5. Recognize the difference between a discussion and a rant.

Rants are just one party blah blah blahing to anyone who will listen, just to be heard. This is not a dialogue. You can choose if you want to be the blank receiving wall, or step away. If you are a ranter know that this is a bad form of communication. People actually might want to hear your opinion, but there has to be space for someone else to engage. Otherwise y’all just have a lot of hot air and not much more.

6. Stay curious, open, loving and accepting.

At least try the curious mode. And guess what? You don’t have to like everything about everyone. It’s okay. You are not required to agree. But for your own health, sanity and well being, know that coming from a place of curiosity, openness, and loving-kindness is for you. What you experience reflects out.

 7. Avoid the drive to be “right.”

And to “teach” and to “police.” You are not going to change anyone’s mind. People like to do that all by themselves. Find your allies where you can, but avoid the need to school everyone else to prove your point. And FYI, this usually happens when you go into discussions with the attitude that the other person is a complete dumbass. They aren’t. And neither are you. We are all just products of whatever kind of environment we grew up in. We are by and large formed by our experiences and our fears.

8. Look at your fears before you judge someone else’s.

We are all just trying to do the best we can. So take a look at your fear and address it before tying to change someone else.

9. Control your own behavior.

Know that your negativity is unpleasant and it severs real connection. Experiment with flipping that negative thought.

Here is an example:

Judgmental thought: “Wow, that person is completely delusional and clearly mentally ill.”

Curious thought: “I wonder what they went through to bring them to this point.”

The first sentence makes me feel snarky, mean and self-righteous. The second makes me feel compassionate, and open. Can you see how your own behavior might be perceived with the reframing? Try it.

And I will too.